For the longest time, every intimate relationship I got into with a man seemed to have the same toxic qualities to it. Starting with an early marriage and divorce, every man I dated and fell for was in some way or another not right for me.

Eventually I realized that I was dating the same person over and over again; until my last relationship, which while even it was one of the most painful experiences to be in, I woke up and realized that this person in front of me was reflecting all my fears, my shadows and beliefs of myself.

He was the harshest mirror I ever looked into, yet I will forever be grateful we crossed paths. This relationship, and more importantly the break up and healing from it, was the most honest experience I had. It helped me understand a simple truth — love is an internal experience, not an external one.

When we are disconnected from our own selves, our relationships will reflect that back to us. If we love ourselves, that is what we will see reflected in our relationships. The tricky thing is, when we are unable to feel the love that is within us, we look for it from others. As human beings, love is an intrinsic need. But it is our perception of love that creates the distortions.

Our movies, books and stories tell us that love is to find a missing part of ourselves, which will make us whole. We are forever looking for that ‘other half’ to complete us. Ironically, when we enter into relationships with this incomplete sense of self, we attract people who will reflect exactly that back to us.

The best analogy I have found so far of how relationships work, is the one used by Bruce Lipton in his book ‘The Honeymoon Effect’. To understand how human relationships work, Lipton says, we have to refer to the chart that we all studied when we were in chemistry class in high school — the periodic table.

Almost all the elements in the periodic table, 112 out of 118, readily bond together to form chemical bonds with one another to create the physical molecules that make up the stars, the planets and the biosphere. The reason they do this is because the atoms of these elements have outer electron shells that are incomplete, thereby making them unstable and wobbly.

So these atoms seek to balance their wobble and instability by bonding with other atoms that have a complementary wobble. When bonded together, the two unstable elements form a balanced compound in which the atoms spin in harmony.

The only elements in the periodic table that do not exhibit such behavior are the 6 noble gases, a subdivision identified as ‘group 18.’ In contrast to the other 112 elements, the atoms of noble gases posses naturally filled outer electron shells. Since they already spin in perfect balance, noble gases do not normally seek partnership with other elements and are chemically inactive, or stable.

The chemical bonding among the other 112 elements however, represents the effort of wobbly atoms to generate spin-balance. These unstable elements need each other to balance out their imbalances. It is a codependent relationship, because without each other, the atoms remain in a state of agitation and cannot achieve peace and harmony.

This is a perfect analogy of how most of approach our relationships, and whether we are conscious of it or not (we are mostly not conscious of it), we seek out complementary partners who are imbalanced as well. And thus we create codependent relationships in which we look to our partners for our happiness and fulfillment.

The other important layer to this analogy that Lipton talks about, is while we might consciously want one kind of partner, because of our programming through our childhood and other life experiences, subconsciously we are likely to attract individuals who possess traits that complement our unresolved and unaddressed shadows and instability.

Now let’s go back to talking about noble gases, those uniquely balanced elements of the periodic table. Lipton explains that while noble gases are perfectly happy spinning on their own, and don’t need another element to make them feel stable or complete, they do have the ability to form what are called excimers. “An excimer, short for ‘excited dimer’ is a special bonding between two atoms that would not be bound together in their normal state.

When a noble gas atom is hit by a photon of light, it’s ‘normal’ state is profoundly altered. The atom absorbs the photon’s energy begins to vibrate faster because of it’s higher level of energy. Simply, an ‘enlightened’ noble gas atom becomes ‘excited’.

A noble gas atom in an excited state will seek bonding, partnership with another noble gas atom so it can share that excitement! Unlike conventional ‘chemistry’, which is based on codependent bonding produce spin-balance and stability, energized noble gas atoms are like people primed and ready for selfless love, a world of sharing and caring.’’

If you have a pattern of challenging or toxic relationships, look at them for the mirrors that they are. See what subconscious patterns they are reflecting back to you and allow them to be brought into the light of your consciousness. For me the mirror was utter lack of self worth and value. Because I didn’t value myself, I could only love somebody who would not value me or themselves for that matter.

This was one of my missing electrons in the atom of my being causing me to spin and wobble. When we use our relationships as a tool to for self-discovery, we can then begin to transform our subconscious programming. Awareness is the first step towards becoming the noble gases we truly are.